Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

I couldn’t believe my ears. I had my mouth full of not-that-great mini chocolate bundt cake when my friend asked me – in front of the baker – what I thought.

Earlier in the day I had been thinking about the problems that often arise when people are less than forthcoming when giving feedback. The context was work situations: over the summer, I’ve heard a number of stories in which employees who loved their work were thinking of leaving – or had left – due to new managers who appeared to be uncomfortable with, or unable to, use feedback as a tool for encouragement and effective performance. “I’m one bad meeting away from leaving,” is a good descriptor of the frustration I was hearing.

These stories have common elements, all of which distill down to a lack of shared understanding/clarity regarding expectations.

Looking at this in the context of generosity – something I’ve been thinking a lot about while trying to adopt a more generous response to things that annoy me – I thought about how the way we send and receive information can frequently be the cause of misunderstandings, hurt, and anger:

• How we often talk without thinking.
• How we shy away from being honest, often out of fear.
• How we say what we think another wants to hear rather than what we really think
• How we sometimes lash out in frustration or anger. 
• How – while we all know how to talk – we may never have learned to think about intent and impact.
• How we withhold information/don’t respond, keeping others in the dark about what we are thinking or planning.

So what are the generous responses I’ve been practicing?

• Taking a minute to think before I respond.
• Paying attention to how the words or situation make me feel, asking myself if this is a learned and perhaps subconscious response that I can learn to control.
• Thinking about the other person’s intent and adjusting my ‘auto’ response accordingly.
• Asking myself if roles were reversed, what response would I be looking for?
• If I’m withholding information for some reason, putting myself in the other person’s shoes and thinking about how my inaction may be making them feel.
• Learning how to be honest about what I am thinking or feeling and finding a way to communicate that from a spirit of generosity.

All of this flashed through my mind as I swallowed the not-so-great chocolate bundt cake. Did I mention that this isn’t always easy?

I decided to be honest – and kind. Here’s what I said – and every word was true:

“I really like the texture and the frosting. The cake doesn’t taste as chocolate-y as I expected. Perhaps it is because it is cold [the cake had been in the cooler] or maybe it is the type of chocolate that you use.”

And then I stopped talking.

I was then offered a taste of a shortbread cookie with raspberry filling. I took a small, hesitant bite… It was wonderful. Buttery and just a bit sandy, exactly how I expect shortbread to taste. Which is what I told the waiting baker…