Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

Like just about every adult, from time to time I’ve found myself in interminable forums, annual meetings, and working groups in which everyone feels the need to speak at length. These conversations sometimes feel pointless, but this usually isn’t the case. We almost always learn something from talking to each other. To make these conversations helpful, however, we need to be clear about our intentions and goals.

Recently, I was in a working group that met for many weeks. Occasionally we’d rehash a point and some new understanding or misunderstanding surfaced. We talked for 45 minutes only to realize we were all on the same page, more or less, but without that 45 minute conversation maybe we would never have realized this. And sometimes, conversation revealed vastly different understandings that needed to be reconciled.

These conversations weren’t always fun, but they were necessary and helpful.

There is value in making sure everyone is heard. We may disagree, and not every person will get his or her way, but a healthy community listens to its members.

For these conversations to work well, however, parameters should be set and goals should be made clear at the beginning of the conversation. A long discussion may not always be easy, but it will be much more bearable if you know the purpose.

If the purpose is only to make sure everyone is heard, then that should be made clear. If there will be a vote at the end, or if the vestry or clergy will take everyone’s input into consideration and then make a decision, that should also be said early in the conversation. The point is that everyone knows what is happening and why, so that participants to lose sight of the original topic or goal.

A good discussion leader can also make a huge difference. He or she should remind the group when necessary what questions they are meant to be answering to help keep discussion focused. Sometimes, as we all know, a group will go off topic. This often reveals things that the community needs to address, and a leader can and should note these things for further discussion without allowing the conversation to be derailed from the original goal.

Talking to each other is necessary, but it’s also hard work. Those long meetings and forums often reveal fissures in the community as well as new points of connection. If we carve out an intentional space for them, we can learn about each other and strengthen our community.