Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

The other day in church, we sang a song called “What We Need is Here.” I was overcome with an almost suffocating feeling I couldn’t quite name, something between nostalgia and sadness. The song is a lovely simple melody that the church sings often and I’ve usually found it comforting. I couldn’t quite explain the feeling.

We used to sing the song more frequently when I first started attending about six years ago, and both the church and I have changed a lot since then. Maybe I was feeling some nostalgia for the people who have moved away or maybe I was remembering that sense of loneliness (and sleep deprivation) I often felt at that time.

I’ve been reading a book called Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzel, and in it they write about implicit and explicit memories. Explicit memories are those clear pictures or scenes that we can pull up in our minds. But beneath that, there are the feelings, sensations, and associations that are triggered by other experiences and memories—the feeling of nostalgia that might accompany a certain smell, or a song that makes us sad for unknown reasons.

Sometimes we can determine the meaning and source of these implicit memories, but they’re not always obvious. We may not even realize what’s going on, we just find that we are suddenly sad or angry or some seemingly unrelated memory comes up. I still haven’t figured out what exactly triggered that feeling of sadness at church the other day.

Religious experiences, it seems to me, can trigger many of these kinds of feelings. People are deeply invested in their churches, communities, and beliefs. They may have associations with religion that go back to the beginnings of their lives (I know I do). Every situation has that extra layer; every confusing and painful situation is even more so because of the past we may be unconsciously grappling with. 

This makes it especially important to pay attention to the emotional state of others in our communities. When we are busy or just trying to plan for the annual meeting, it may be easy to just listen to what people are saying or noticing what they are or aren’t doing. We must also, as best we can, remind ourselves that the angry vestry member or uncooperative volunteer may be dealing with emotions that they may not fully understand and may not be directly connected to the situation at hand—a past painful experience, a loss, a childhood anxiety. 

The best solution to this is to pay close attention. Are we attuned to the feelings of each other? Are we listening carefully to not only what is being said but also what is happening beneath the surface in ourselves and in others? 

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