Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

This weekend my community, St. Lydia’s, made some big decisions. We affirmed a new governance system and a leadership team for the first time in our short history. All good change, though none of it was particularly simple or easy. What made this go so smoothly was the quality of the communication in the previous weeks and months. There were no surprises, everyone in the community was invited to participate at every stage, and we all listened to each other.

Out meetings took place over the course of nine months, with lots of time for discussion. We talked, we tweaked, discussed, then tweaked again. What made all this possible was our willingness to listen to each other, and our belief that we all had the same goal, the health and fruitfulness of the body.

We don’t always express exactly what we mean. Our tone isn’t always right, or maybe we choose the wrong words, and occasionally we’re still figuring out what we are trying to say. Many of the people that have participated in this process have a gift for listening, for hearing what the other person is trying to say, and giving them the benefit of the doubt when they don’t quite get it right.

There are a few things I find it’s helpful to remember when speaking to each other that I took away from these meetings:

• Assume the best whenever possible. There are multiple ways to interpret almost every statement. Pick the most positive one.
• Repeat what the other person has said in your own words. This way they can confirm that you understood, and you won’t end up responding to something they didn’t’ intend to say in the first place.
• Always consider that if there is a misunderstanding, you might have some part in it. If you aren’t willing to concede that you may have misunderstood or misspoke, then you’re going to have trouble seeing their perspective.
• Be generous. There’s no need for you to be right or score points. Remember this is not a debate. You’re both just trying to understand each other and do what’s best for the community.
• Be willing to forgive. Don’t hold grudges about previous difficult conversations. Remember that we all say hurtful things form time to time, and be willing to talk when it happens and forgive each other.

It’s important to remember that we are all working for the kingdom of God, trying to do what is right, even if we occasionally trip over our tongues.