March 12, 2012

Christlike Conversation

Este artículo esta disponible en español aquí.

We’ve all been in one of those meetings: a meeting that goes on and on, in which people repeat each other or seem to speak just to hear themselves talk or in which strong emotions inhibit the ability for anyone to make a decision. I was speaking with a friend who is on the vestry in a large, urban Episcopal church. She told me that the meetings are sometimes unpleasant, not because of difficult decisions they must make on occasion, but because of the amount of unnecessary and unhelpful conversation. 

Like any organization, egos often get in the way of a vestry’s ability to make decision. Couple that with the deep emotional connection members have to the church and even the smallest aspect of church life, right down to the color of the paint in the parish hall, and its easy to lose ourselves and forget our purpose.

How in the midst of this do we make decisions and keep ourselves from getting bogged down in ego and emotion?

It’s a helpful exercise to occasionally review the group’s dynamics and processes. Does conversation help or hinder decision-making? Do a few personalities dominate every discussion? Is the vestry or small group or congregation working well together to fulfill its mission of bringing Christ’s love to the world? Or have people gotten too attached to the way things are or the sound of their own voices in an emptying church? Ideally, the conversation should serve the church and its mission, not those having the conversation.

On a daily, practical level, here are five guidelines for discussion used at Seminary of the Street, a community in Oakland, California:

  • Speak from your own experience and avoid making generalizations.
  • Be as honest and self-reflective as you can. Notice when you are trying to manage what people think of you by saying the “right” things. Notice and then suspend judgments of other people.
  • Assume good intentions.
  • Adopt a both/and stance that allows for multiple and complex truths.
  • Avoid the impulse to plan what you’re going to say while someone else is speaking. Trust that you’ll have the right words when the time comes.

Its important to continually to ask ourselves questions about what we say and why we say it, and about how we are serving the church and its mission. When our speech is directed to the service of others and the love of God, the church can thrive.