Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

My pencil poised above the words. Capital letter here. No semi-colon. Needs parallel structure.

I settled into edit mode.

“Mom,” my daughter beseeched. “I just want you to read it. Tell me what you think.”

I couldn’t turn off the editor. And I missed the whole point. The inner editor won the battle and lost the war.

I’m not saying to put aside good editing. Strunk and White has a hallowed place on my bookshelf. But sometimes we miss an opportunity to engage because we jump straight to fixer mode. Or blaming mode. Or criticizing mode. Fill in the descriptor based on your personal tendency.

My intention was good, I think. I wanted the rough draft of her paper to be the best that it could. But my delivery was poor. I skipped past the content. I didn’t acknowledge the hard work she had already put into the project. I didn’t give her – or the paper – the respect she deserved, and I didn’t think how my well-meaning critiques would sound. 

How often does this happen in your life? How often does it happen in our churches? In meetings and during coffee hours, we jump to conclusions, criticize decisions, grumble about changes. But we haven’t taken the time to ask the right questions, to listen to the other side, to make thoughtful and reflective responses and suggestions, to make sure that our words and actions respect those around us. 

A priest I know received a long email at 7:45 a.m. on a Sunday morning. The writer was complaining about a decision. He didn’t like the change and neither did “a lot of other people.” The writing was pointed and accusatory. And it was filled with reasons why the priest was wrong. 

Maybe this letter writer had some valid points, or maybe he was completely nuts. I don’t know all the details. But I am pretty sure that the delivery sucked. Sunday morning is not the time to corner the priest, by email or by ambush. It’s not fair, and it’s not kind. Making claims that everybody else feels the same way is a dodge. Speak for yourself. Let others take up their own causes. Be fair in your criticism and be open to new understandings. Frame your disagreement in a way that offers alternatives; speak in a manner that builds up the relationship instead of tearing it down. 

Hearing criticism is hard, at anytime, from anyone. Delivering it should be hard too. It should be done with care and respect. It’s easy to dash off an email or correct a run-on sentence. It’s hard to do it in the context of relationship.