Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

Whether this has happened in your congregation or not, all of us have seen disagreements escalate. It’s a familiar pattern: a disagreement takes a turn for the worse; accusations heat up and nuances are thrown out the window; someone, feeling particularly insulted or insulting, draws a line in the sand and members of the wider group are forced to take sides. Within moments, a disagreement has escalated to a full-on conflict and participants find themselves “entrenched” - that is, dug in, occasionally firing insults at the other side, but generally waiting for their opponents to surrender or apologize or just go away.

And many do. Go away, that is.

Since starting to work for ECF, I’ve had ample opportunity to meet former vestry members and hear about their time of service. Many of these stories are inspiring, but a few have been fairly devastating. Some have shaken their heads bitterly and said “Never again.” One made himself a t-shirt that said “I survived!” The person I met most recently quit her church altogether saying she never imagined her congregation could be so mean-spirited. Beyond anecdotal evidence, we know that 61% of Episcopal churches have experienced a serious conflict in the past five years, with the majority of serious conflicts having to do with leadership styles and finance. [1]These are two areas vestries play a key role in defining for the wider congregation so opportunities for conflict, and leadership, abound.  

What to do? 
Social psychologists who have studied conflict, entrenchment, and fair-mindedness have conducted a series of research studies which may benefit the church. In his book, The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt summarizes this research and notes:

• We all need a reality check. “Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. We further believe that the facts as we see them are there for all to see, therefore others should agree with us. If they don’t agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies.” Additionally, while we tend to see our own past experiences as deepening our connection to reality, we view others’ background as increasing their bias.
• Classic approaches to seeing the other person’s point of view rarely work. Researchers have now proven what many of us know by experience, that the familiar advice to try to appreciate the strengths of your opponent's arguments is more likely to backfire than not. “The manipulation backfired, perhaps because thinking about your opponent’s arguments automatically triggers additional thinking on your own part as you prepare to refute them.”
• Interestingly, the only thing which seems to have resulted in increased fair-mindedness is 1) learning about self-serving biases and the role they play in defining reality and 2) sitting down and writing about the weaknesses in our own cases. It appears that this practice - a vital practice if there ever was one - helps us create enough space to approach an entrenched conflict with a broader perspective in mind.

If my own experience is similar to others’, I think there’s a particularly important role for individuals to play in moments of conflict and entrenchment. While the rest of the vestry might be slow to get on board, individuals may dare to step outside the “us versus them” dynamic and start to name how our own biases are shaping the conflict. If we can come to terms with this as well as the weaknesses in our own cases, perhaps we can serve as the vessels of God’s grace that the wider church is relying on us to be.

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1] 2010 Faith Communities Today Survey