February 6, 2011

Final Affairs

My 96 year old father-in-law passed away recently. Or, as the woman who called us at midnight said to my husband, "Your dad expired."

Bob died the way he lived: on his own terms. Fiercely independent, he resisted recent attempts by family to secure additional services for him; Bob was determined to take care of himself. He wanted to stay in his apartment, manage his personal care, and prepare his own meals. Family members suspected the end was near; travel plans were made to visit for what might be the last time. We were all too late.

Local family members had a private funeral service. Per Bob's wishes, his remains would be cremated and once the warm weather returned, buried with his wife's ashes in their home state of New York.

The task of cleaning out the apartment fell to his children. A lifetime's worth of accumulations and treasures reduced to two words: keep or toss? The boys did the initial pass, clearing out the clutter of daily life. Their sisters would arrive later, prepared to sort through their father's papers and financial records and tasked with distributing family treasures and memorabilia. Planning the memorial service and internment would follow.

Bob Davidge had anticipated and planned for his eventual death. His children were familiar with his wishes. There was comfort in knowing their father had died on his own terms and that he had left clear instructions on how to handle his final affairs. In "Closing the Planning Gap" (Vestry Papers, January/February 2011) David Farrand writes about the value of addressing and sharing end of life plans with family members, viewing it as a loving act and final gift for those left behind.

The Davidge's would agree.

And, for my husband and me, there is a renewed commitment to getting our affairs in order. 'Someday' has been replaced by a sense of urgency. 'Final affairs' has moved from the 'ought to' list to the 'must do' list. Will you join me?