Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

As President Obama is inaugurated into his second term and we face “fiscal cliffs” and “debt ceilings,” as the church continues its period of uncertain transition, we’ve got plenty to argue about. In this current political climate its easy to find ourselves feeling combative, willfully misunderstanding each other, and doing everything we can to win our conversations.

I don’t know about you, but I like to be right. I used to argue a lot with a friend of mine, looking for a debate more than trying to understand. It was like reading a letter from a friend with a red pen.

It would suit us better to be generous listeners. In the Gospels, when Jesus speaks to the people around him, he often responds not to their questions, but to something deeper he senses in them: tremendous faith, pain and doubt, or a need for guidance.

A few weeks ago St. Lydia’s Leadership Table (basically, our vestry) had its first meeting. It was a great experience. We spoke honestly and openly. We all assumed the best about each other. We’re not just listening to what each person is actually saying—particular words in a particular order—but what he or she is trying to say. We have a common goal, and we assume we’re all doing our best to get to that goal when we talk.

Of course, it was also pretty easy because we don’t have much to disagree about at this point. But, more often than not, all of us in the church have a common goal: to build the Kingdom of God, to be Christ’s hands and feet in the world.

Generous listening means remembering this. It means that we’re not in this conversation to win, but in it to understand. We should spend most of our time speaking to each other not so that we can change each other’s minds, but so that we can know each other’s minds.

Of course, Jesus sometimes provoked, and said things that were difficult to hear. But he also knew and loved his audience, most likely much better than we do. Sometimes we do need to provoke each other to be better, to think differently, but this only can happen in the context of love.

Let’s do our best to understand. Let’s assume the best about each other, and remember that we are all trying to do God’s work. Let’s be generous, and give each other the benefit of the doubt.