Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

In college I spent a lot of time with a group of friends, who were so nice that they didn’t like to disagree, or sometimes even express an opinion. This made choosing a restaurant difficult on Friday nights. Out of a desire to defer to each other, we would have difficulty making any decision at all.

Months ago my church, St. Lydia’s, used a two-step method of decision making that could be useful when choosing a restaurant with your friends or when making major decision in a vestry. St. Lydia’s is a new church, still working out how to make decisions, and this was a major decision about whether or not to affiliate with a denomination.

First, we expressed our personal opinions in a vote. This was based solely on our preference regardless of others in the group. There was some discussion afterward in which we explained our preference, and we could also say how strongly we felt. In college, for example, I could vote for Thai food (I loved the chicken in peanut sauce), and then I could express that I was flexible since we went to the Thai restaurant a lot. My other friend might say he really wanted pizza tonight. This was a chance to know where everyone stood.

Second, we took a vote of what we thought the group should do. This was based on not only our individual preference, but also our knowledge of what others in the group wished to do. So, I might vote that we should go get pizza, if that’s what most people wanted, because I thought it would be best for the group, even though I had a preference for Thai food. Or, at church, if we saw that most people were in favor of affiliating with a denomination, we could vote for that if it was a decision we felt we could live with, even if we still had some reservations.

This two-step process allows those who disagree to express that, and then also express the fact through a vote that while they personally might prefer something else, they are willing to go along with the will of the group. This gave us a chance to build consensus, though not unanimity. It allowed us to get a sense of what others in the group were feeling, without judgment. It’s easier to make a decision if we know where others stand, and how strongly they feel. It makes it less likely that we’ll trample over someone in the process of making a decision, but also keeps us from getting stuck if one person dissents.

We don’t always have to convince each other. We often can’t. But knowing where we each stand, and being able to express that without judgment, can help us move forward. I just wish we had known this in college.