Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

“That was a wake-up call,” my friend said, taking a deep breath. We were discussing a difficult time in her marriage. She recounted a moment of clarity, realizing “I’ve been through this before…I know this pattern. It’s not a good one.”

She wondered aloud about denial – how often she may have ignored or minimized the behaviors that kept them stuck in the relationship. They hadn’t lost their love for each other; she always held out hope it would get better. But on a day to day basis, it was easier – especially with busy jobs, graduate school, and two kids – to “normalize” their reality and just keep holding on as best she could. To really “wake up” to the sadness or anger about how unsatisfying the relationship had become would take a lot of energy, a lot of resolve. Plus, what would she do then? What tough choices would she have to make?

Soon after this conversation I read the articles in this month’s Vestry Papers on “Death and Resurrection.” They struck a chord, especially when Tommy Dillon described the moment when leaders of his congregation had to decide to let go of a key ministry program:

I felt with a heavy heart the responsibility of having to name the elephant in the room: that it was time for us to end our Aidan’s Way ministry. In that moment, we all experienced a profound death. Some members of our congregation were very angry. Others were in denial. Still others looked to blame me or the diocese or the vestry. These are all normal parts of the grieving process.

It helps to be reminded these feelings and reactions are normal when death is on the doorstep. They’re how we cope. But coping is not the same as living: at least not in the abundant way of life that God promises and the Spirit provides.

Death is the dividing line – I just don’t see how any of us will experience the renewed life we dream of (either personally or congregationally) without first dying to the old patterns that keep us stuck. I don’t like it any more than the next person. I know I’m on the edge of denial about a few things in my own life, and haven’t found the courage to look deeper at the pain below the surface….

But that’s what the season of Lent is for: to make time for examination, confession, and preparation. And to do this hard work together in Christian community: to bear one another’s burdens and sustain each other’s hope that resurrection is indeed possible.

Are we, with Jesus, going to turn toward Jerusalem and willingly accept the deaths that await us there? Or, like Peter, will we take that journey in denial until the very end?

Whether on a personal or congregational level, I encourage us to use this Lenten season to wake up to the ways we are in denial. Together we can look deeper at patterns that keep us stuck and begin to take the first steps in letting them go.