Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

What happens when your spouse changes? There are times when suddenly a new interest or commitment starts to unfold. Or a voice that’s been lingering deep within suddenly finds it’s way to the surface. Have you had one of those moments when you realize your shared life is about to take a turn?

I’m getting used to these changes after 17 years together. I’ve become pretty good at listening (at least I think so…). I try to pay attention, support my spouse and encourage whatever development is happening. I remember what Frederick Beuchner says of vocation – where one’s deep gladness meets the world’s deep need – and approach the situation with a sense of discernment. I know better than to try to squash the Spirit. (So I say to myself…)

But then, unbidden, comes resistance. Oh, dang…again?! Didn’t we just get settled? Aren’t things fine the way they are? Do we really have to change? (Deep sigh…)

If I feel this way in my personal life, with the person I love most, then how much more when encountering change with others? How much more so in church?

I used to think it was a joke – an exaggeration to make a point – when I heard clergy talk about parishioners who get mad about “moving the pews.”

It’s not. When I was conducting interviews at a parish to assess their readiness for a capital campaign, I met a woman who was mad as heck about showing up in church one day to find that the back two pews, on the left side of the aisle, were gone. It had been at least a year since this change but she was still upset enough to tell me all about it during the interview. (Needless to say, she didn’t give to the capital campaign.)

Something she loved suddenly changed. Something she was attached to suddenly took a new shape.

I don’t know the circumstance of that particular change, so can’t offer an opinion on how well or poorly it was handled. But I do know what it feels like to experience a sudden shift. Or to suddenly realize that the shift that’s been coming for a long time has now, undeniably, arrived.

Familiarity is comforting. Change is disrupting. At least this is usually the case. But sometimes the opposite is true: familiarity is stifling and change is exhilarating! It depends on which side of the relationship we’re on, and how tightly we’re attached to our own expectations of people and places. (And even to our idea of God.)

What I’ve realized in my personal life is that I can still be tethered to the people and places I love, but with a lot more elasticity in my rope. I’ve got to give a lot of slack to the Spirit: letting it pull and pull, trusting that the connection won’t break, that the love that binds is strong. This big tug is not going to throw me overboard – it’s just life pulling me forward into some unknown future. I’ve got to trust it.

I’m learning to be more flexible, more adaptable. I trust that the tension won’t hold forever and that a new pattern of living will emerge. At some point that new way will become familiar.

In our congregations, are we strengthening the love that binds us together? Are we nurturing the love and trust we’ll need to weather sudden changes ahead or to suddenly follow the Spirit when it emerges right in front of us?