May 2013
Leadership in a Time of Crisis

Suwa Bona… I See You, I Hear You

It’s an all-American, bootstrapping response to tough times: We’re fine. We’re over it. We’ve moved on. Even when, especially when, the wounds are still there, just covered with a light scab for disguise. Except, the congregation isn’t fine.

There was anger at St. George’s*, lots of it. And underneath the anger, deep grief, accompanied by fear. Every usual means of managing the conflict in the congregation had been exhausted by an equally exhausted bishop, canon to the ordinary, and vestry. It was time, the bishop concluded, for a different kind of intervention, which might get to the heart of the matter, and allow real healing to begin.

Belief in process and building on potential rather than focus on negativity led to the next step: Working with a design consultant to create a way that people might listen to each other’s deepest concerns, rather than hurling verbal and non-verbal bombs at each other across pews and parish hall.

A process was born. It’s name: “Holy Conversations.” It has roots in the Zulu greeting Sawu Bona, “I see you, I hear you” and is a reminder to slow down and take the time to find out how someone is really doing rather accept the casual “I’m fine,” often offered when we are anything but.

Its premises:

  • A reminder that we are all people of the same story-the Greatest Story Ever Told – and have each had important experiences that have connected us to that story in this one particular place. Our experiences may be very different, despite having occurred in the same place.
  • An awareness that each person has been hurt or disappointed in some way in this community. Just as the positive experiences differ, so do the ways people have been hurt or disappointed. No amount of defensiveness, arguing, or trying to change someone’s mind is going to wipe away or change those individual experiences: they need to be heard and honored, and then left in God’s hands. We cannot move forward while we are hanging on to and defending our pain because it has not been recognized and validated.
  • Whenever we gather as brothers and sisters of the living God, it is a holy time, a sacred space, and we need to agree to honor how we will approach each other in this time and space.
  • Within any family – whether nuclear or church family - we fall into patterns of interaction that we can’t get out of without some outside help. Trained facilitators for small groups who don’t have emotional ties to the parish could be helpful.
A script was written for four evening sessions, and the St. George’s congregation was invited to come together and participate in small groups led by facilitators from across the Diocese of Lexington. Individuals trained as EFM (Education for Ministry) mentors and with other group process backgrounds were quickly trained around the script and session themes: 
  1.  “Things I Value at St. George’s”
  2.  “Times I have been hurt or disappointed in my Church”
  3.  “When change is coming….”
  4.  “Wishes, hopes, and dreams for the next chapter in the life of St. George’s”

Gathered in seven circles, the facilitators invited participants to share their stories, using open ended questions related to the evening’s theme. “This was a time I felt most engaged….” “I was so hurt when….”

Facilitators listened and wrote the qualities that had impacted the individuals on newsprint. Each circle’s responses were then shared with the entire group. Following the second session, a Liturgy of Healing and Reconciliation was held. Participants were invited to place their hurts and disappointment papers on the altar as they went forward for healing, and exchanged the peace with each other. It was the beginning of a time of healing for St. George’s…not the end. A time for learning a new way of approaching each other, and all who would come, as members or as leaders.

Out of the struggle of this one parish and its bishop, a gift was given.

The process of Holy Conversations has led to:

  • A diocesan leadership team trained to assist in processing issues of grief, conflict, or difficult discussions around any content matter, with new facilitators trained in each region of the diocese each year.
  • The regular use of the Holy Conversation process for data gathering for transitions, situations of conflict, loss, or difficult discussions - and a design team ready to adapt current scripts or create new ones as needed.
Holy Conversations is not magic: Like all human families, we forget how to really listen to each other, how to make space to honor and acknowledge feelings. The Holy Conversations to date have taken us through 13 back-to-back parish transitions, a bishop’s election, a clergy suicide, parishes attempting to have difficult conversations around changing their worship services, around finances, untimely departure of a rector…the issues may change; the process and the teamwork continue to evolve. Following data analysis of the conversations, a leadership team member is available to work with the vestry on “next steps.” It might be a session on congregational size and appropriate leadership style. Always have a session on anxiety behaviors and their impact, and how leadership, recognizing both behavior and impact, can change things for the good.

“Do we have to stop talking to each other like this now that we have a new rector?” a member of one parish asked their leadership team. “Absolutely not! We hope it will be your new way of being together forever,” the team member answered.

It’s all about SAWU BONA—“I see you; I hear you.” As we give this gift to each other, what we are really saying is you no longer have to defend your truth against mine. I see you. I hear you. I honor both your story and our story, and know you honor mine. And so we join together as members of one family, one story to write our next chapter in the Greatest Story Ever Told.

*St. George’s is an alias.

Kay Collier McLaughlin is Deputy for Leadership Development and Transition Ministries in the Diocese of Lexington and author of the forthcoming Church Publishing Inc Morehouse Book Becoming the Transformative Church: Beyond Sacred Cows Fantasies and Fears (Aug. 2013) where a more complete description of the Holy Conversation process can be found.

Resources

This article is part of the May 2013 Vestry Papers issue on Leadership in a Time of Crisis