Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

About a week ago, I posted a video on my Facebook page about race and what white people can do to combat racism. A friend of mine found some aspects of the video a little upsetting, particularly the idea of being grouped together with other white people and told what to do.

We spent at least 30 minutes talking about it. Eventually, I realized that we understood the word “racism” to mean two different things. I was thinking about a system in which we are all implicated, even and especially those of us who are considered white and receive benefits we may not have asked for. I think racism is all about history and context and the way our institutions and assumptions disadvantage people of color. He was thinking of racism as the act of grouping people by the color of their skin.

Neither of us was being unreasonable, we were just talking right past each other. It’s like we were each consulting our mental dictionaries and the definitions didn’t match. This friend and I agree about many things, including, ultimately, about many aspects of racism, but we had to define our terms before we could have a productive conversation.

Even without this confusion, racism isn’t easy to talk about. We all know that. Recognizing that simply by the fact of being white you get all sorts of advantages you didn’t ask for isn’t easy. Neither, of course, is telling painful stories as a person of color about the subtle but very real forms discrimination takes. These confusions about language only make it harder.

It's not only conversations about race that cause problem. When we live in community and try heal and serve the world, we're going to have to address poverty and politics and other complicated topics from time to time. And we're going to find that sometimes the stories we tell ourselves about the way the world works diverge widely because our experiences diverge widely. 

The lesson from this, I think, is that conversation about difficult topics requires lots of empathy. It requires imagining our way into other people’s heads as best we can. We've got to consider not only what we're trying to convey, what we mean when we talk about race or God or sin or hope or war or Christianity, but also what other people may or may not hear when we use those words. 

This means listening as much as we speak, avoiding assumptions, and being brave enough to be honest about our opinions and feelings. And this is why talking about those difficult subject is so much work but also so necessary. Especially talking to those with whom we are in relationship, who will take time to slog through the confusion and misunderstanding without walking away. 

I appreciated that difficult conversation with my friend. We’re still friends and we’ll always be friends, and because he was honest with me, I’m better equipped to talk and think about race. 

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