Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

Normally a yellow-light note means bad news.   

In kindergarten, teachers judge behavior on a green, yellow, and red light system. A red light is pretty serious; yellow, as you might imagine, indicates a problem.   

The note attached to the yellow light offered some insight: Our son “pushed another child and then apologized, telling him, ‘I’ve asked you many times not to call me names.’”   

Our son asked if he was in trouble. He told us that the boy in question had been calling him names for several days. First and repeatedly, he told the boy to stop. Then he told the teacher. When the boy persisted, our son pushed back. The bullying stopped.   

We didn’t punish our son. In fact, we told him that we thought he handled the situation exactly right. I’m sure some parents and child-rearing experts are reeling in shock at this admission. But I think that sometimes the only way to stop a bully is to stand your ground—and if necessary, push back.   

In congregations and dioceses, we sometimes give bullies free rein. We don’t want to cause more problems. It’s pastoral to turn the other cheek. If we ignore it, it will go away.   

But I fear most bullies are fueled by the fear and encouraged by inaction. If we don’t push back – figuratively, of course – then we become complicit in the bullying. Our inaction allows it to continue, to spread, and to become part of the congregation’s DNA. Bullying drives people away and undermines ministry—and it hurts.   

We should name this behavior when it’s happening and make it clear, in firm but fair ways, that bullying is not acceptable. We can utilize a variety of tools: embrace a covenant of courtesy, practice effective communication, and empower healthy leaders.   

We must push back when bullying surfaces. It’s true that Jesus implores us to turn the other cheek, but these are the greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ … And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”