Episcopal Church Foundation Vital Practices - Blogs

May 8, 2012

From Nine to Ten

My colleague’s questions flabbergasted me.

The conversation had begun innocently enough. She and I had just finished a series of ten lengthy meetings that had gone, in my estimation, very well. We’d begun on time. We’d ended on time. Our conversations were productive and we’d achieved our goals. So when she asked me to offer her feedback on our times working together, I said what I always say in those situations: “You did great!”

Normally when I say this, though, people smile, sigh a sigh of relief and move on. So why was my colleague looking so skeptically at me?

“No feedback whatsoever, huh? So you found it to be a perfect process?”

Startled, and not really sure what she was getting at, I said something along the lines of “Well, nothing’s perfect. But you did a great job.” And then, possibly hoping to bring the awkward moment to a close, I added “Really, I can’t think of anything that would have improved things.”

Still skeptical, she then stumped me. “Alright then. So if this process was a nine, what would have made it a ten?”

I said I’d have to get back to her.

Giving and receiving honest feedback isn’t easy. In fact, it can be downright awkward. Being a generally nice person, I tend to avoid offering constructive criticism and I know there have been times when I've avoided asking for it. (Of course, those have probably been just the times when I'd have benefited most from thoughtful critique.) Thankfully, my colleague was having none of it.

Later that week, during a long jog through the park, I ruminated on what would have made our work together go from “a nine to a ten.” It wasn’t easy but I eventually remembered something. It was still a minor point, in my opinion, but it was real suggestion rather than reflexive nicety. And this makes me think that honest feedback can be an offering, a gift, a sign of deep respect.