Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

Over the years, experience has taught me a lot about responding to tragedies. Yet, what I still find unexpectedly challenging is writing pastoral messages to our congregation about tragedies.

The questions that congregational leaders need to consider when writing pastoral messages like these are formidable: How will it impact someone who receives it alone without a support network available or someone who receives it at work without the opportunity to reflect on it privately? How will it resonate with parishioners who have their own experiences with trauma, tragedy, and loss? How can it speak theological truths in ways that can be received but in a format that does not allow for dialogue? How can it offer hope in times that might seem hopeless?

I wrote the following letter a few years ago in response to the accidental death of a college student in our congregation. (I have abridged the first paragraph to honor the privacy of our parishioner’s specific situation and because those details aren’t important for our purposes.) I have drawn from it at various times since then and offer it here in the hope that some of the ideas may be useful to other congregational leaders as they face the challenging task of communicating with their congregations in times of tragedy.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COLLEGE STUDENTS
at Church of the Holy Communion

Dear Friends,

By this time, you will have learned about the tragic death of one of our young adults in an accident earlier this weekend.

Some of you have asked me to help you make sense of all this. (Many of your parents have asked the same.) I can’t. No one can. There is no sense in why this happened; there is no explanation. All that I can offer are a few reflections from someone who has been with other people as they walked the unimaginable road of losing someone who was close to them, especially for the first time:

1. The world that God designed did not have death in it. Eden was the world as God intended – a beautiful garden in which we could walk and talk with God and live forever in harmony with each other and with the whole created order. Yet, from the moment that death entered the world, God has found ways to be present to God’s people in the midst of death.

2. Accidents are accidents. Accidents are not acts of God and they are not part of God’s plan; they just happen. Every time we step out of our front door, we expose ourselves to risk. Most times, things work out fine. More often than we want to believe, they don’t. We do not look for God in why accidents happen. Instead, we look for God in the way that God loves us, cares for us, and blesses us after an accident happens, often through the love of other people. “God is love,” the Bible says.

3. Prayer is a powerful thing. Prayers ring on the ears of God, transform the hearts of those who pray, and offer consolation to those for whom we pray. Prayer is power in the midst of powerlessness. Prayer is something we can do when there is nothing that can be done.

4. We all need to stay connected with a community of faith. In death, Jesus promises us that he will prepare a place for us in his Father’s own house. In life, he promises us that he will never leave us comfortless. Many young people take a break from their church experience during their college years and then come back to it when they are ready to establish their families. I encourage you to chart another course. By stitching yourselves into a community of faith when times are good, you make an investment in having people to support you when times are bad. There are many ways that you can stay connected to Church of the Holy Communion over distance and I would also be glad to help you find a great parish church in the community where you are currently living.

5. Be gentle with yourselves and get help when you need it. Priests, counselors, and psychologists are all trained to talk with people at times like these, and it is our privilege to do so. You do not need to be alone in your grief. Feelings are facts; they are what they are, and we need to acknowledge them. Also, please know that laughter and tears are very close in the spectrum of emotion, and that one often gives way to the other. Let that happen and receive the laughter as a gift.

6. For many of you, this is your first experience with tragic loss. The adults in your life all remember their first experiences with tragedy, just as you will always remember this. Tell the adults in your life about your experiences and ask them to tell you about theirs. More experience does not make you any better at handling things like this, it just gives you more confidence in knowing that that God will continue to be faithful to you, even in such deep sorrow.

I have gone on longer now than I intended, perhaps in the hope that using a great volume of words would help me find the right ones. It didn’t. Words do not exist that will help you make sense of this. What does exist is a loving God who blesses us every day and has blessed us with each other. Where is God in all of this? I see God in you, and I pray that you will find a bit of God’s grace in what I have written above.