December 13, 2010

How Not to Win Friends and Impress Visitors

Visitor frenzy kicks in high gear over the next two weeks, as newcomers and rarely-seen-ers attend Christmas services. 

Welcoming visitors is a ministry -- and not everyone has the gift.

Consider these true -- but don’t-try-this-at-home -- stories:

A visitor and his son come a few minutes before church, and a group of parishioners engage in conversation. It’s always awkward to know if people are first-time visitors – or whether they simply sit on the epistle side and you’ve never noticed them before. So a church member rightly asks,” Is this your first time with us?”

When the newcomer says yes, the parishioner responds, jovially, “I thought so. Most people who visit us don’t come back the second time.” The parishioners laugh, knowing this is a joke. I suspect the newcomer doesn’t find it as funny. 

At coffee hour, a church member pulls up a seat to a newcomer and introduces herself. She starts telling the history of the congregation and how it’s a place where people of different opinions can come together for worship. Pretty good, until she begins a story about how another member is a screamer during confrontations.

A visitor and her child sit in the seat of some church regulars. A parishioner, engrossed in his prayers, doesn’t realize the visitor isn’t his wife until he turns to kiss her during the passing of the peace.

All of these parishioners are kind, well-meaning people who give generously of their time and resources to the churches. They are faithful, with an abundance of talents.

But for now, they probably shouldn’t be on the front lines of visitor reception.

So many of the disciplines of Christian living require practice: prayer, confession, fasting. I suggest we add welcoming of visitors to that list. We need to talk about how to talk to newcomers: How do we offer an authentic embrace without seeming pushy and overeager? How do we let them know we’re excited that they are with us without seeming desperate for another seat in the pew? How do we put our best foot forward – instead of in our mouths?

Andrew Weeks, a consultant who pitches the program, The Magnetic Church, has workshop participants engage in play-acting of greeting visitors. It feels contrived at first. But I think there’s real merit in practicing with each other so that we can gain more comfort in talking with people we don't know about our church and our faith.

Perhaps then we can better live into our promise: The Episcopal Church welcomes you.