Episcopal Church Foundation Vestry Papers - for leading congregations

About a week ago, my wife, Denise, and I adopted a dog. He looks a bit like a cross between a tiny sheep and an Ewok (he’s probably a Shih Tzu), and he brings with him a lot of questions: Like, how do I put his leash on him when he is jumping up and down on his hind legs? What do his huffs and puffs and barks mean? And why is he wiping his little face on the rug like that?

We’re slowly getting to know him and learn how to better care for him, but in the meantime he’s a little furry mystery that lives in our house.

All those unknowns require a lot of communication on the part of my wife and me. How are we going to deal with his bad habits? What’s the best way to play with him without getting him too riled up? Can we deal with washing him in the same bathtub that we use?

We don’t see eye to eye on some of these questions. I had indoor dogs growing up and Denise didn’t, so I feel a little more relaxed about things in general, but I also have inadvertently already encouraged some bad habits.

So we’ve had to talk. We had a trainer come to give us a little advice and now we have a few answers, but it’s the remaining questions that require talking, not the answers.

In our personal lives and in the church we sometimes think we should wait until things are figured out to share information and to talk things through. But in my experience, the failure to talk about, or at least acknowledge, the various unknowns and the questions that arise just causes more anxiety and conflict.

Of course, in a church or any organization some information should not be shared, but neither can we pretend that people are not wondering about the looming vestry decision about whether to sell some property, for example, or the sudden resignation of a vestry member. It is important to communicate with the rest of the community and the staff at moments like these, even if it’s sometimes to simply acknowledge the situation and explain that the details are confidential.

Acknowledging these questions, even if the answers aren’t available, is way of acknowledging that you are paying attention to the feelings and anxieties of the rest of the community, all those people who are wondering what the vestry is deciding about the building or the budget, the disagreements that may have arisen between community leaders

When a situation with Manny, or any situation, really, arises and we’re not sure how to handle it, Denise and I often talk through our questions, state our feelings and fears, and decide what we are going to do until we have an answer.

Every situation requires a different conversation and often a different approach, but the important thing is that we communicate about the questions, even if we don’t have all the answers yet.

Don't miss a blog post! Subscribe via email or RSS, using the grey box on the upper right.