I sometimes have trouble distinguishing between being nice and being kind. In my experience, it’s a distinction that church leaders often struggle with as well, especially staff. This may not be true in every church – we all know that some people have no trouble with being too nice – but I’ve worked at a few places where everyone was trying to do good work, and the desire to avoid conflict overshadowed the need to be honest. I have often been tempted to sacrifice honesty and open conversation in the pursuit of getting along, imagining that this meant the workplace was conflict free, and that I was treating those around me with love.
In churches, where we often feel pressure to get along as part of a religious community, we can occasionally confuse niceness with being Christ like. Jesus was kind, but he wasn’t always nice. He said difficult and sometimes painful things to those around him if they were the truth and needed to be said. While I’m not suggesting that we tell the church treasurer to “get behind me Satan,” I do think it’s important that church leaders find ways to communicate difficult truths, both big and small, with each other and with the staff.
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All of us at ECF Vital Practices tend toward the practical. When writing about communications technologies, we are focused on helping congregations use these new tools, whether it’s creating dynamic
Facebook pages,
improving e-newsletters,
claiming space on Google Sites, or creative uses of
QR codes. But in this post I thought I’d focus on the spiritual perplexity that many feel toward our increasingly connected world, and the need for religious leaders (lay and clergy) to discuss these concerns in their congregations.
Two articles recently highlighted this need. The first discusses the need to take a creative pause (Sabbath?) from what the author terms our “insecurity work” on mobile devices and social media sites; the second is a New York Times piece on emerging rituals for mourning in a digital age. Both articles raise more questions than answers, which only seems appropriate considering the pace of technological change.
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So we’re agreed: keywords are important.
They elevate your website’s standing in rankings on search engines like Google and Yahoo. The exercise of listing keywords helps you hone in on content, and the combination of keywords and search engine optimization helps users find you more quickly. It’s win-win.
Now we’re moving into the nuances: all keywords are not equal. See, another part of this equation is knowing what words people are using in their searches. You may, for instance, plaster the word narthex all over your website, in keywords and headlines and text. But it’s unlikely that you’ll rise much in search engine rankings. Why? Because few people (outside of seminarians and junior wardens) are searching for the word narthex.
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Though the following was used with youth ministry in mind, many people in leadership roles within the church fall into the same trap. Too many of us aren’t honest with ourselves, so we don’t accept our weaknesses. Many struggle with knowing how to handle objective criticism; rather than learn from their mistakes, they ignore them or push them under the rug. Consider the following:
Originally seen on www.YouthMinistry.com (used with permission)
Once there was a youth worker who, for the most part, loved her job. She loved building relationships with her youth, she loved teaching volunteers how to engage youth, she loved helping parents learn better ways to disciple their children, among many other things.
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As we parked, my daughter whispered: “I hope I make at least one friend today.”
My husband and I exchanged the glance that roughly translates into our willingness to cut off an arm so that this could happen.
“You will,” we reassured. And then we both quietly said a prayer.
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By the dim light of the hall bathroom, the girls could see each other. No giggles, we imposed. Then each of us placed a finger under the pre-teen girl and began intoning, “Light as a feather, stiff as a board.”
Each time, we were amazed when our collective fingers could lift the girl off the ground. It didn’t cross our minds that this feat might be easily explained by physics – and a pre-teen body weight of 80 pounds. It was teamwork, and we felt bonded.
As vestries begin their work for the new year, I suggest you take some cues from slumber parties and youth group meetings. Use some ice breakers to lower tension and build trust. (Caution: Light as a feather, stiff as a board should not be tried at home.)
One of my new favorites is compliments of the Rev. Scott Gunn, the executive director of Forward Movement Publications. At a recent board meeting, he gathered staff and board members into a circle. Then he asked us to imagine what object we would be from the nave and/or sanctuary. A candle? The altar? A pew or thurifer? We could name anything, as long as we didn’t repeat what already had been said. And we needed to offer a brief explanation of why we chose the particular object.
I’ve played this ice breaker a few times since – and each time, it has given me new insight into the groups and individuals. One person chose the pew cushion because he likes to offer comfort. Another would be a church spider so she could engage both a view from the balustrades as well as close-ups by climbing down a web thread. One person would be the smoke from the incense, reminding us of the eternal mystery, and another was the candle, to bring light to every corner.
I’m sure there are other great ice breakers around that don’t require the finger-lifting of vestry members. What are your suggestions? How can we get to know each other better so that we might be more useful vessels for carrying out God’s work in our communities?
In the last two weeks courage keeps popping up. Well, to be honest, courage itself isn’t showing its face (yet). But I’ve been hearing about courage: on the radio, a friend’s Facebook post, email messages, and other conversations.
Is there something in the airwaves now, a ripe moment for everyone to be talking about it? Maybe. But more likely my own antennae are picking up a signal I need to hear. You know how that goes, suddenly hearing or seeing something repeatedly, even if it’s been there all along.
It’s an interesting message to think about in a new year. In addition to setting specific goals for 2012, I may focus on this driving question: in what parts of my life and leadership do I need more courage?
But in a vacuum this question isn’t very helpful to me.
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I pull out my diocesan credit card and survey the moving boxes. As I slide the card to the salesman, I'm distracted, calculating how many boxes I might need for my office.
The salesman looks closely at the card. You have the same name as Bishop Thompson’s wife.
I whip my head around. The salesman is talking about the former diocesan bishop of Southern Ohio, my boss for four years before he retired in 2005. He died suddenly less than a year later.
You knew Bishop Thompson, I ask.
He was a customer here, says the salesman, who not only rents moving trucks and boxes but also runs a storage unit business. Bishop Thompson was a good friend. A great man, he says.
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The Nones are having none of it. And all of it too.
Last week, in an editorial for the New York Times, Eric Weiner introduced us to the Nones. The Nones are the roughly 12% of the population (nearly a quarter among youth) who are opting out of religious affiliation because “we’ve mixed politics and religion so completely that many simply opt out of both.”
This doesn’t mean, however, that Nones are necessarily atheists. “Nones are the undecided of the religious world. We drift spiritually and dabble in everything from Sufism to Kabbalah to, yes, Catholicism and Judaism.” Be sure to read the rest of his article
here.
I read this article while flying home to celebrate Christmas with family, a yearly trip made awkward by the fact that my family is resolutely nonreligious. We’re the Nones, in other words, and though we will be celebrating family, food, gift giving, and togetherness, we will avoid any mention of the birth of Christ. (When I’ve asked why my family has always been so disinterested in religion, their answers have always echoed Weiner’s article - that the Christianities they’d encountered were too political, too hypocritical, and too removed from the practical concerns of raising three kids on a police officer’s salary.)
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The rector would like a printout of the leaflet by Thursday. The choir director needs a few checks written for musicians playing at a concert on Friday. The treasurer is requesting a report, the senior warden needs to schedule some roof repairs, and a couple of parishioners want a new directory as soon as possible.
All these tasks may be within the administrator’s job description, and yet in moments like this it can become difficult to prioritize, accomplish everything effectively, and to avoid upsetting people. There are several things the church leadership can do to prevent these bottlenecks.
Here are my top five:
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I’ve heard tell of some who dismiss the Elf on a Shelf as crass marketing. They think it’s creepy for an abnormally long-limbed doll with a plastic head and black oval eyes to keep watch by day and report to Santa by night.
But at our house, the elf has saved two children from the naughty list time and again. All it takes is a gentle reminder that elfie is watching, and the kids shape right up. Frankly, I’m anxious for the next iterations: bunny-on-a-cabinet, flag-on-a-pole and fireworks-in-the-sky. Maybe we can have every holiday covered.
A good friend told us about her 4-year-old’s experience with their Elf on a Shelf. He’s a delightful boy with sweet dimples and a long streak of mischief. When his mom opened the elf’s box, he slammed the lid back shut. Then he opened it carefully and came eye-to-painted-eye.
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Editor's Note: ECF Vital Practices welcomes Jeremiah Sierra who will share his thoughts, experiences, and recommendations related to our churches from his vantage point as a parish administrator.
It’s a funny thing when someone asks you not to attend his church, but it happens often to parish administrators and church secretaries, and it’s usually for the best. I’m an Episcopalian, and I’ve been a receptionist and a parish administrator. At each interview the rector has recommended that I worship elsewhere. When I did go to the occasional service or event, a parishioner would inevitably tell me about a typo in last week’s service leaflet or ask a question about their pledge. If I had been a member, worship and community and work would have all blended unpleasantly together.
As is true for any other non-profit or business, however, employees need to feel invested in their work to be effective. If the administrative staff doesn’t participate in the communal life of the church, how can it feel motivated and engaged in the work?
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How much is too much?
I’m grappling with this question as I re-evaluate our policies about security and the Internet.
There are mean, scary people out there, and I want to do my part in protecting people of the diocese. At the same time, we are in a new time and place, where our virtual locations are nearly as important as the physical plants of our churches. People connect via e-mail, and they view our websites as reflective of our congregations.
So how do we balance security with community? Do we include e-mail addresses of our church leaders - -senior and junior wardens, diocesan commission chairs, priests, and deacons. By virtue of ordination or acceptance of these key positions, doesn’t that require a public – online - presence?
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David. Tommy. Kim. Mike.
Shields drawn.
Walnuts in hand.
What are the rules?
What makes a fair game?
This little poem popped into my mind last weekend after a quick flood of childhood memories. I’m the middle girl of two brothers (David and Tommy), all close in age. Growing up on the outskirts of a small town in rural Wisconsin, we learned to entertain ourselves. In the era before PlayStation and Xbox kept kids wired to TV and computers (Pac-Mac was just making its debut), we created a host of our own interactive games. Thinking back on it, we may have been some of the most creative – or crazy – gamers around town with hits like “Gahilla Monster” (our misspelled/mispronounced reference to a slow moving venomous lizard) and “Ghosty Ghosty On-the-Bed-Posty.” These were rainy-day indoor games. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say they involved lots of pillows and jumping on bedroom furniture.
But the poem above was inspired by our marathon outdoor adventure game with no fancy name: war. Our particular war game involved: metal garbage can lids as shields, black walnuts from the nearby tree (almost baseball size in their hard green shells) as plentiful ammunition, and ski goggles and wrestling knee pads as protective gear. My brothers and I, along with a few willing friends, would divide into two teams, set up camps in the woods, and play for hours and weeks on end.
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Last week I received a fairly straight forward question from a lay leader regarding vestry nominations. In addition to answering Andrea’s question, it opened the door to share a great example I just learned from the rector of St. Paul’s in Murfreesboro, TN.
Question:
Should the names of the individual(s) who are being considered for nomination to the vestry be published in the church bulletin? Also, in the bulletin, should the parish be informed of how many vacancies there are and that nominations are being accepted?
The short answer: yes!
The more communication and transparency, the better. In our experience, vestries and parish leaders almost always need to ramp up communication about all aspects of parish life. Never assume that one form of communication, or a single announcement, will reach people. Important messages need to be communicated repeatedly and in different formats, such as the bulletin, e-newsletter, small group gatherings, from the pulpit or lectern, and one-on-one conversation. If there is a Nominations Committee, they should communicate the steps of the process, the number and type of open seats, and the “slate” of names the committee has proposed. Also – don’t forget to publicly thank the individuals who are rotating off!
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Prudent rectors and nominating committees already are scouting the congregation for new blood.
Often annual meetings aren’t until January, but now is the time for recruitment. Outgoing vestry members and/or the nominating committee need to have a serious meeting and look at the composition of the vestry – what skills and gifts are leaving or missing?
Here are four key characters that I think any vestry needs:
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I am attending the Transformation and Renewal Conference at Kanuga Conference Centers in North Carolina. Co-sponsored by the Office of Black Ministries, the Union of Black Episcopalians, and Kanuga Conference Centers, this year's gathering focuses on increased innovation and vitality in black churches in the Episcopal Church. The plenary speaker, the Rev. Junius B. Dotson, Senior Pastor of St. Mark's United Methodist in Wichita, KS, was inspiring.
Yesterday, I managed to sit down with five leaders at this conference and do brief interviews about their own leadership practices, what they hope to gain from this conference, and the challenges they are facing in their ministries. In regard how I did this, I took this series of clips using my iPhone, uploaded the clips to
YouTube, and then edited it last night using YouTube's
free video editor. As you will see, it's far from perfect, but using these tools is an easy and timely way of capturing the voices of those attending a gathering. (I'll be sending this link to the conference organizers today.)
Finally, a word about the fourth interview, that of the Rev. Marcia Beam. Unfortunately the sound quality isn't great, but the story of her congregation and the leadership practice she shares merits close listening. Today, I hope to get more interviews from lay and vestry leaders.
Triangulation. It’s the classic killer of many ministries. Person A tells something to Person B, and Person B takes it to Person C. The problem is exponentially exacerbated when Person C actually holds court in the first place with Person B. There are many different forms of Triangulation, but it’s even scarier when the main culprit adding fuel to the fire is your rector.
The best way to avoid triangulation is to simply adopt the biblical principle in Matthew 18. If you have an issue with another person, don’t go behind that person’s back and stir up trouble. Rather, go to that person one on one. If the conflict cannot be resolved, then, and only then, do you take a group of people as witnesses to help mediate. The verse also mentions seeking a spiritual leader as the third course of action. Though many pastors are excellent at sniffing out potential triangulators and refuse to hold court with such persons, I know many ministers get sucked into it—sometimes even unintentionally.
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I am writing from a break in a Clergy Day where 40 clergy have gathered together for conversation as well as to hear about an exciting program called Mary’s Hope. This has me thinking about the clergy groups I have been a part over the past 36 years. My first was as a college student intern when I was invited to attend a clergy day in the mountains of North Carolina. All men. Very chummy. Entitled. Stable almost to the point of being inert.
Today’s gathering is half men and half women. As I look around the room another description might be half-time. That first group in the mountains was made up of full-time solo rectors of congregations with 50-100 members subsidized by diocesan and congregational endowments and funding: a clergy full employment program. Today a congregation with 100 members in our diocese can afford a quarter-time priest. I look around and see many colleagues who are unemployed, or underemployed, and among those with full-time work I know for a fact a number of them serve congregations on the financial edge.
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Growing up in a competitive, game-playing family, if I was thoroughly thumped during a card game, then the score promptly went up on the refrigerator.
The good-natured taunts of “refrigerator score” would begin about midway through a game, particularly if I had fallen a trick short of the bid in Spades.
At my home, I’ve had one refrigerator score posted for four years. It’s the last card game my mom and dad played with us before we learned they were getting a divorce.
For awhile, I held onto that scrap of paper in the hope that life would return to that afternoon, that my parents wouldn’t separate and I wouldn’t be forced to acknowledge their unhappiness. In time, I’ve been able to look at the score card without feeling the stab of pain and the ache of loss. And on some days, I can see past that frozen moment of time and into the years of laughing and joking, teasing and taunting around kitchen and picnic tables, from childhood to my own home.
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