October 20, 2014

Dealing with Anger

Sometimes I swear at my computer. When, for example, it freezes up while I am rushing to get something done, I say things to it I would not want anyone else to hear. I don’t feel too bad about this, however (in fact, there is some evidence that swearing can reduce stress).

When is it appropriate to express anger? Anger is a legitimate emotion, and inevitably it will surface from time to time in any community. Anyone who has been a part of a church for a long time or worked with other human beings has experienced this. While I don’t think we should swear at each other, anger is something that must be dealt with. This is something I am learning with my wife. An occasional fight can be painful, but helpful and even necessary. We need to recognize anger when it pops up in our community and deal with it in appropriate ways. Not doing so can lead to resentment, which is a more insidious emotion that can tear relationships apart.

How do we deal with anger?

  • First, we have to be committed to relationship and reconciliation. If our goal is simply to shout at each other and not to reconcile with each other, then we’re not going to get anywhere. Sometimes maintaining a relationship is not possible or appropriate, but usually it is and that should be our goal.
  • Second, we must always be willing to recognize our own part in any conflict. There are very few instances in which both parties have acted totally appropriately. Even in situations when I am pretty sure that the other person is mostly responsible, I can usually see ways that I could have communicated more clearly.
  • Third, we have to be clear about where change can and can’t happen. Often, people get angry about change in the church. Maybe the vestry has chosen to sell a building or the rector has decided to change the liturgy. It’s OK for people to be angry about this, and leaders must be both compassionate and firm if they believe the decision is right or necessary. Sometimes, decisions must be revisited, and leaders must be willing to do this as well.

A healthy relationship is not always positive and nice. Love sometimes requires us to say difficult things to each other. The key to expressing anger, like all difficult relationships, is clear and honest communication in a context of love.