The new year is always a great time to think about what we want to accomplish. But all too often we make overly ambitious, impossible resolutions with their focus on our selves, our bodies, our pocketbooks. And when we fail, we revert to our old ways of being, disappointment and sometimes self-loathing just below the surface.
I wonder if we might develop resolutions with two parameters. First, we could craft resolutions guided by a simple philosophy: just one more. Instead of going from coach potato to Iron Man, pledging to hit the gym every day and reach a single-digit BMI, our resolution could be just one more work out session, one more home cooked meal, one more day of eating healthy. One more hour without a cigarette or one more percentage point socked into the savings account.
One more doesn’t seem overwhelming. One more is possible. And sustainable.
The second parameter is to think about resolutions that aren’t me-focused. Sure, losing weight or exercising more, quitting smoking or saving more money are good goals. But they target our physical and financial health. What about resolutions that support and strengthen our spiritual health?
Church leaders might consider these two parameters at the first vestry meeting of the year as they set some “new year’s resolutions.”
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The answer to the title’s question might seem completely obvious to you. Maybe I should’ve made it more controversial. Try this: “Stop Praying (like you’ve been doing) at Church Meetings!” More to the point, I’m suggesting we might benefit by thinking about precisely why and how we pray at church meetings.
It is or at least should be relatively obvious why we do. We actually believe that God the Holy Spirit is a partner with us in our work of discernment, and being a member of Christ’s own body means, by definition, that our deliberations are a part of the dynamic of the Holy Trinity itself. Prayer is one way to name that mystery.
It’s just that, sometimes, prayer at church meetings is little more than an add-on (“Okay, let’s get started. Who wants to lead us in prayer?...”) or, equally bad, an agenda pusher itself (“Dear God, help this miserly vestry who seem happy with being habitual penny-pinchers to understand that you are abundant and they really need to cough up for more spending …”) Technically speaking, that is a prayer.
Or consider these two real-life examples.
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I went on a ghost tour a few years ago in Lower Manhattan . We walked by old buildings and parks and our guide told us about the people who had died there and also about the occasional hauntings that had been reported. It was more of a history and local folklore tour than a ghost tour. I would argue that the things that haunt us are not spirits of the dead but memories of the past.
We can often feel these “ghosts” of the past in old church buildings and in our communities. In the churchyard of Trinity Wall Street, where I work, more than 11,000 people are buried, from extremely wealthy people and founding fathers to the poorest of New York’s residents. I’ve heard no reports of ghost sightings on the grounds, yet Trinity’s long history affects what Trinity does and how it understands itself.
We can often feel these ghosts in our relationships. A parishioner who has had a bad experience at another church may be extra-sensitive to what the priest says or does, for example. That parishioner might not be responding simply to the individual, but to the ghosts of past priests.
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Part 4 of 4. (Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)
Maybe this blog should have been the first, but as we close this series, I must remind you that there is no such thing as solo leadership. You can't lead without followers, you can’t lead well without other leaders, and you are often called to follow different leaders. The decision to lead from the side is a decision to engage with other leaders in your congregation.
At the Howell family reunion my sister Marion started a back massage line with her nephew Brendan. Each person rubbed the back of the person in front of them, and had their own back rubbed by the person behind. While we recognized Marion and Brendan as leaders, we sometimes forget that success came because others followed their lead. Those who joined the line were followers of the first back scratchers, but were leaders of all those who had not yet joined.
Being a leader from the side includes following good leaders. If someone in your congregation has a creative proposal, show your leadership by following. Show your following skills by joining the team, seeking out useful resources, sharing in the work, exploring frustrations, and advising. Be sure to tell your fellow leaders, and others, what a good idea it is. But be careful! You model the best leadership by following without taking over.
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As far as church-elevator talks go, this one is a doozy.
Sure, it's definitely hard to talk about faith, about my personal relationship with Christ. But money and how I give (or don't give)? We're on thin ice.
The sarcasm is thin veneer over the truth: Talking about faith can be difficult but adding money (stewardship) to the mix is part-root canal, part-calculus.
Yet here we are, in the middle of the stewardship season, when many churches are making their annual appeal for pledges and contributions so that they might build a budget. Our congregation, like many, has invited people to speak about stewardship during the worship service. These five-minute talks are meant to encourage and inspire generosity in giving, but they're also a foray into the difficult task of talking about matters of money and faith. Just as we need to be able to articulate why we believe in Christ, we should be able to explain why we give to the church. If we don't have an understanding of giving that we can explain to others, then we're likely to see it less as a spiritual response and more as a dues-paying obligation. And often, obligations become sore places of resentment, scabs that keep getting knocked off when money is tight or the unexpected strains our resources.
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Where your worry lies...there your heart is also
What keeps your leaders awake at night? What generates intense discussion in your vestry? What motivates your members to write letters, whisper in the parking lot, or furrow their brows during announcements?
Ministry involves a certain amount of anxiety. We live in anxious times, and the future of the whole church project is pretty uncertain.
As a priest who has always served congregations with uncertain futures, I have given up on the idea that I will always sleep well.
I pay attention to what has the power to keep me awake at night.
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“I’ve always understood that the work of ministry is in the hands and hearts of all people of God and that if we are doing what it is we are called to do together than we are stronger, our community is stronger, and we have a sense of purpose going forward. I am always grounded by the gifted laity who are around me”
- Sandye Wilson, rector of St. Andrew and Holy Communion Episcopal Church in South Orange, New Jersey
Across the Episcopal Church, familiar clergy and lay roles are changing. Changing times and circumstances challenge the status quo; things we may have taken for granted suddenly look very different and our familiar practices aren’t working. There’s a growing recognition that to keep the body of Christ healthy, we need all of the gifts of all of the people of the church.
At ECF and ECF Vital Practices, we’re seeing what happens in congregations with well functioning lay+clergy leadership teams. And, we’ve also worked with congregations to help them strengthen their leadership teams. Recognizing an opportunity to help congregations across our church develop more effective leadership teams, ECF launched ECF’s Vital Teams, a program for strengthening the lay+clergy teams that are the heart of Episcopal congregations.
Soon after coming onboard, Vital Teams consultants, Rosa Lindahl and Ron Byrd embarked on a listening tour to gain insights on current leadership training programs in our church and to look for exemplary practices. Their trip took them to five dioceses, three seminaries, and several leadership institutes, at each stop they met with lay and clergy leaders involved with leadership development.
In this video, Sandye Wilson, rector of St. Andrew and Holy Communion Episcopal Church in South Orange, New Jersey, references 1st Corinthians and makes the connection between effective leadership teams and the body of Christ.
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Editor's note: Just before Father's Day, ECFVP posted Our 'Father' or??? on our Facebook and Twitter feeds and invited comments. Victor Sarrazin tweeted about his experience working without the title and we invited him to share a few of his thoughts and experiences with our readers...
Personal Experience
When I was ordained in 1990, I found myself a bit uncomfortable with the experience of being called "Father.” I do not mind being introduced as The Rev. Victor Sarrazin, especially when the occasion called for others to be introduced as Mr. or Ms. So-and-so. However, being called father in informal and everyday conversation felt wrong and seemed to create distance. I felt the call to be a servant leader, not a priest on a pedestal.
I decided that I would introduce myself simply by name, especially on Sunday mornings or when wearing a clerical collar and my role in the local congregation was obvious. When someone addressed me as father, and the occasion allowed me the opportunity, I would say, "please just call me Victor.” If they objected, which was rare, I simply accepted it without further debate.
This practice has produced "good fruit" in a couple different ways. It has given a unique authenticity to efforts at leading congregations away from top-down ministry structures into collaborative (shared) ministry. I have especially seen this manifest with individuals using their own creativity and initiative to launch new ministries; seeking me out not for "permission" but for input and shared discernment. I have also experienced a personal affirmation of this approach when people mention to my family that they appreciated me as "approachable" or "a priest who is one of us.” Both of these dynamics told me that my approach was succeeding.
Lessons Learned
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The church has a problem. Some call it the Culture of Nice. I call it the Flanders Phenomenon.
You know Ned Flanders, right? He's the uber religious next door neighbor on The Simpsons. The earnest, Biblical literalist who uses such saccharine catch phrases as "Hey-diddly-ho!" and "okilly-dokkily!" The exceedingly nice pushover whose unfailing good mood can't be disturbed even by Homer Simpson's most egregious un-neighborly shenanigans.
Yes, Ned Flanders is an animated caricature. But he's also precisely what's slowly killing the church. He embodies the Culture of Nice that has become the hallmark of many Christian communities. We live in such fear of offending that we bend over backwards to the point of losing our spine.
Jesus wasn't Ned Flanders nice. He boldly called out religious hypocrisy and publicly shamed the self-satisfied for not helping those in need. Despite all the images of Jesus hugging sheep on dinner plates produced by the Franklin Mint, he wasn't all about being warm, fuzzy, and timid. You don't start a revolution by being meek and mild.
Flipping Tables at the Temple
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The congregation I serve has been working for a long time on developing collaborative relationships with other, local Episcopal churches in our community. I genuinely experience God calling me – and, frankly, the Episcopal Church and so many other established institutions – into greater partnering, sharing, and collaboration. That’s just a given these days.
There are lots of Episcopal churches here and there, and where I live there are many quite close to one another. I, for one, drive in and out of parish boundaries all the time. I honestly don’t know where one begins and the other ends. To do nothing more than broaden the ministries of The Episcopal Church in St. Mary’s County, Maryland is to simply catch up to where people already are and how they live and move.
Among three Episcopal congregations in lower St. Mary’s County, we’re all about sharing. We’ve shared Lenten programs, an outreach committee, senior ministries, and help when one or the other is hosting a local sheltering program for persons who are homeless. We’ve shared pulpit swaps, youth groups, vacation bible school, a new church plant, bible studies, fellowship events, and, new this year, a collaborative Sunrise Easter Vigil. We’re getting pretty good about sharing ministries and programs.
We haven’t, yet, shared structures. We haven’t shared money and power.
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The perfect meeting facilitator sometimes seems as illusive as the unicorn and fairy dust.
But we all know what bad facilitators look and sound like: they talk too much, moving from facilitation to domination. I experienced a Johnny Takeover at a recent meeting. The problem with this type of meeting leader is that there’s no one else to rein in him or her. The participants are stuck with a facilitator whose fondness for his or her own voice and stories exceeds the interest of even the most polite attendee. Pretty soon, everyone is zoning out, and the meeting is a bust.
There’s also Joanie Steeralot, who may not overtalk but who guides the meeting with a particular (and possibly personal) agenda. This person isn’t as concerned about the task at hand as she is about the task on her own mind. Again, it’s an invitation to disengage.
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Last month I had the privilege of attending the New Community Clergy and Lay Conference at Kanuga. There, nearly 200 lay and clergy leaders from ethnic ministries across our church gathered to explore the theme “Together, Advancing the Sacred Dream.” Throughout the conference I heard amazing stories of the many ways members of our Episcopal Churches are making a difference in their communities and the world as they honor God’s unconditional love through service and sacrifice.
I also heard stories of the challenges our congregations face. A common thread among these stories is the need for effective leadership – which often means leaders willing to take on the challenge of creating a culture of trust, creating safe spaces where members can tackle the difficult conversations that most would prefer to avoid.
This month in Vestry Papers, as we prepare for the new life and resurrection of Easter, we share stories of leadership teams facing their challenges as they work to advance their sacred dream.
Our articles include:
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Once a month, generally on the first Wednesday of each month, September through June, I get together with seven or eight or, sometimes, fifteen or more Episcopal clergyfolk. (Numbers tend to swell when the bishop shows up!) We gather for mid-day prayer, sometimes bible study, always lunch, and, I’d say, fairly good conversation.
Sometimes we invite a guest as our conversation partner. Other times it’s just us. We meet in the side room of a local restaurant, a neutral space that becomes, for us, a safe place to have open and honest conversations for a few hours and a way we can help drive some business to a local establishment. Early in my ministry in southern Maryland, about five years ago, I spoke up and offered to take the role of Clericus Convener. That means I’m the one who calls the restaurant and sends the emails and works with my colleagues to plan interesting programs and invite guest speakers. In all, it’s a pretty easy job. And a rewarding one.
I know this isn’t particularly novel or, for some, all that interesting. Clergy have a good knack for coming together. Some gather in colleague groups, others in book studies, still more in bible studies, and some participate in neighborhood ecumenical gatherings. Bishops, too, gather in their ‘House’, as the Episcopal episkopoi just did down in Texas. All of these gatherings are opportunities to be together with those who know what you face, for the most part, and the realities and contours of your life.
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My church, St. Lydia’s, just signed a lease on a new storefront space, which means a big and exciting transition. This week, the Leadership Table (basically, the Vestry), met to discuss this and other changes. We’ve had to make a few big decisions recently, and more are on the way. It’s exciting, and also a little stressful, for us and for our pastor.
As a member of the Leadership Table I am reminded how important it is to support the staff of my small Church. I do not particularly like to talk about how hard the job of a priest or pastor is (lots of people have, frankly, have jobs that are just as difficult or more so), but the job of a pastor or priest at a small church, whether it is growing or facing financial challenges as membership shrinks, presents some unique challenges. Most of these challenges are emotional. It can be a lonely job.
I love my church, and it is an important part of my life, but it is not always at the top of my mind. As I plan for my wedding, as my job gets busy, it drops down on my priority list, while the pastor and staff continue to struggle with the day-to-day realities of running a small church with a limited budget.
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Across our church, familiar clergy and lay roles are changing. Just as our understanding of church changes with changing times and circumstances, so do our models of leadership. How are these changes impacting our effectiveness as lay+clergy leadership teams?
At ECFVP we are seeing congregations thrive as a result of successful lay and clergy leadership teams. We are also hearing from congregations eager to learn how others are approaching new realities that often mean a change in leadership. In this issue, we’ll share stories, examples, and resources of how congregations and dioceses are creating environments that facilitate people discovering – and acting on – their vocation as a person of faith and at the same time opening doors for broader lay participation across the church.
This month in Vestry Papers:
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Recruiting volunteers for fundraising can be a community-altering task. Sue Fornabai, Episcopal Church Foundation (ECF) financial resources consultant, tells the following story of gathering parishioners to be ambassadors for annual giving:
A stewardship chair was asked to gather volunteers from the congregation for an initial organizational meeting. This would be a time to talk about the spirituality of giving before distributing pledge cards to the volunteer ‘ambassadors for giving’ to use in conversations with donors.
Anticipating the annual ‘push back’, the chair thought about what he could do to ensure a large turnout. He believed many folks would say, “ I cannot ask people for money. Ask me to do something else.” He prayed over this challenge, asking God to assist.
Believing that his role as an ambassador for Christ was to reach out to others, the chair decided to contact every member of the congregation. He acquired the list of names and phone numbers from the office, then set aside one week and contacted every parishioner. He made calls in the early morning and the early evening, including all day Saturday and Sunday after church.
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I grew up in the Northeast, completely comfortable driving in any weather. In order to better equip me as a good driver, my parents would accompany me to empty parking lots to do donuts in the snow before plows had come through after large winter storms. I loved it, and I became pretty good at handling my vehicle in all sorts of compromising conditions. Yes, I’ll admit it: I had Cocky Driver Syndrome.
The winter of ’97 pounded the cockiness right out of me, though. Young, engaged, and working through college, I wasn’t very diligent in maintaining my vehicle. I was broke. So when the first snowstorm of the season hit, I headed out like it was nothing. There was a mere four inches of snow on the ground, and two miles into my commute, I nearly went off the road three different times.
I gave up, turned around and went home, appalled at my inability to control my car. What the heck was wrong with me? Four inches were nothing. I was a good driver, darn it! And I was. I was experienced and well trained.
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I started the annual meeting this year with the Parable of the Sweaters.
I brought the sweaters in question in a reusable grocery bag. All are knit by me, and only one of them is finished. The one that is finished is the first one I ever knit, and it has a few dropped stitches to prove it. It’s the one that showed me and the world that I could knit a sweater. I was so proud and excited, I immediately started three more. That’s right: not one, not two, but three. For the last year-and-a-half, I’ve been knitting three sweaters.
All of the sweaters are far enough along to be recognizably sweaters. One is my meeting sweater, which I knit to keep my monkey brain under control at diocesan meetings. It’s very close to finished. One I just had to start immediately because my mother gave me some very beautiful wool that her sheep farmer neighbor spun by hand. It is missing sleeves, and the neck is all wrong. Much as it pains me, I’m going to have to unravel the neck and do it over. The third sweater is done except for one sleeve. I’ve forgotten how the lace pattern at the cuffs goes, and what gauge needle I was using, but soon I’m going to find the book that had the pattern in it (of course I wasn’t following the pattern exactly)...
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My wife is a band director at a public middle school. A few years ago the principal of the school led the teachers through a process of how to apologize (loosely based upon the process outlined by Randy Pausch). This way students can buy-in to why they are apologizing and take steps toward reconciliation. The process is three-fold. First, say and mean the words, “I am sorry.” Next, say and mean the words, “I take full responsibility.” Finally, ask and mean the question, “How can I make it up to you?”
These words might yield thoughtful introspection on the nature of contrition, confession, and penance. For the purposes of this piece, I wish to jettison the meaning of the words in favor of the process – say how you feel, acknowledge the imbalance in the situation, take action (or at least offer to take action) – as it relates to thanksgiving.
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"The youth are the future of our church!" I have heard these words preached, whispered, shouted both desperately and joyfully, and cried throughout my time in the Episcopal Church. While I cannot doubt the passion behind this statement, it always leaves me wanting. Undoubtedly, the youth are our future, but they are also our "now." While it is good that adults are advocating for our young people as the future, we also need them today. Youth are among our current and most valued congregants, although they are often viewed sitting idly in our pews and are ghosts among the many corners of ministry.
Most church community revolves around adults. We participate in programs such as ECW, vestry, office volunteers, Sunday school teachers, men's groups, prayer teams, and numerous other ministries. But a youth community that is provided opportunities to openly champion their faith is every bit as important. Our youth are a breath of life. They offer joy and wonder and excitement in action. Watching the seeds of Christ grow within our young people is a living testament awarded to the church family. The church should not be measured in quantity of youth, but in quality of spirit. Opening our doors and welcoming teens shares with them an intimacy they cannot find within the secular world. We are the ones who teach our youth they are loved, cherished, and safe.
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