The shrill, my-opinion-is-the-only-opinion way of talking, isn't working.
As a society at large and in the wider church as well as our local congregations, we too often divide into like-minded factions, erecting barricades and resentments against those with different positions on certain issues.
I wonder if we've become hunkered down so much with like-minded people that we've lost the muscle tone to do the heavy-lifting of engaged, respectful conversation.
The Episcopal Church is offering a personal trainer--or at least some thoughtful, reflective discussion -- about how we can talk with one another and build relationships even with people who have differing opinions.
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Sometimes I swear at my computer. When, for example, it freezes up while I am rushing to get something done, I say things to it I would not want anyone else to hear. I don’t feel too bad about this, however (in fact, there is some evidence that swearing can reduce stress).
When is it appropriate to express anger? Anger is a legitimate emotion, and inevitably it will surface from time to time in any community. Anyone who has been a part of a church for a long time or worked with other human beings has experienced this. While I don’t think we should swear at each other, anger is something that must be dealt with. This is something I am learning with my wife. An occasional fight can be painful, but helpful and even necessary. We need to recognize anger when it pops up in our community and deal with it in appropriate ways. Not doing so can lead to resentment, which is a more insidious emotion that can tear relationships apart.
How do we deal with anger?
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Part 4 of 4. (Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)
Maybe this blog should have been the first, but as we close this series, I must remind you that there is no such thing as solo leadership. You can't lead without followers, you can’t lead well without other leaders, and you are often called to follow different leaders. The decision to lead from the side is a decision to engage with other leaders in your congregation.
At the Howell family reunion my sister Marion started a back massage line with her nephew Brendan. Each person rubbed the back of the person in front of them, and had their own back rubbed by the person behind. While we recognized Marion and Brendan as leaders, we sometimes forget that success came because others followed their lead. Those who joined the line were followers of the first back scratchers, but were leaders of all those who had not yet joined.
Being a leader from the side includes following good leaders. If someone in your congregation has a creative proposal, show your leadership by following. Show your following skills by joining the team, seeking out useful resources, sharing in the work, exploring frustrations, and advising. Be sure to tell your fellow leaders, and others, what a good idea it is. But be careful! You model the best leadership by following without taking over.
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Lately I’ve been paying attention to what Jesus asks of us in prayer and relationship. I understand the instructions not just in terms of what we are to do, but also as a sign of what God knows about the formation of human community. Sometimes we imagine that God expects churches (and families) to be perfect, but if that were so, why would we have so much instruction about what to do when things go sour?
Trespasses are my favorite thing about the traditional language version of the Lord’s Prayer. They are more colorful, more descriptive, and less loaded than sins. They encompass the large and the small -- the squashed toe as well as the midnight intruder.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
The more people we have in and around church, and the more varied those people are in their ways of engaging, the more we step on one another. The longer our congregations have gone without incorporating new people, the more sensitive we become to even small incursions into “our” space.
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Whether we want to hear it or not, paying attention to feedback – solicited or unsolicited – is critical. When we listen for – and to - how others see us, it opens a window on how we, or our ministries, are perceived by others. This month in the ECF Vital Practices mid-month digest, we offer articles and resources for generating critical feedback, from tough conversations to audits, in practical and palatable (and, in some cases, far more affordable) ways.
Our team at the Episcopal Church Foundation is committed to helping you develop the leadership and financial skills to carry out your congregation’s mission and ministry. Subscribe to ECF Vital Practices and get Vestry Papers and the mid-month digest delivered right to your inbox - it's simple and free! Click here or on the subscribe button on the top right side of each webpage.
Do you have feedback for us? Leave a comment below or send us an email. We look forward to hearing from you.
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As far as church-elevator talks go, this one is a doozy.
Sure, it's definitely hard to talk about faith, about my personal relationship with Christ. But money and how I give (or don't give)? We're on thin ice.
The sarcasm is thin veneer over the truth: Talking about faith can be difficult but adding money (stewardship) to the mix is part-root canal, part-calculus.
Yet here we are, in the middle of the stewardship season, when many churches are making their annual appeal for pledges and contributions so that they might build a budget. Our congregation, like many, has invited people to speak about stewardship during the worship service. These five-minute talks are meant to encourage and inspire generosity in giving, but they're also a foray into the difficult task of talking about matters of money and faith. Just as we need to be able to articulate why we believe in Christ, we should be able to explain why we give to the church. If we don't have an understanding of giving that we can explain to others, then we're likely to see it less as a spiritual response and more as a dues-paying obligation. And often, obligations become sore places of resentment, scabs that keep getting knocked off when money is tight or the unexpected strains our resources.
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I always hated group projects in school. Other people were too unpredictable and I never knew what to expect. But give me a to-do list and my own desk in a quiet room and I’ll get things done.
Unfortunately, life is not a string of solitary tasks, nor is the life of a church.
Even writing these pieces right here on ECF Vital Practices is not typically a solitary exercise for me. I often run ideas by my wife, Denise, and she’ll often read my drafts and make suggestions before I submit them. Nancy Davidge also reads and edits my writing, and occasionally sends me helpful feedback to inform my future writing.
Since my high school days when I dreaded group work, I’ve worked on various team projects, have planned events, and then became managing editor of Trinity News, so I’ve learned a few things that help make collaboration a little more effective and relatively painless:
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One of the rewards of entering the third year of our “digital mission” in the Center for the Ministry of Teaching is getting to witness some of the fruits of our colleagues’ labors. Recently at St. Columba’s in Washington, DC, I had just such an opportunity.
It had been more than a year since I met with Peter Antoci, one of St. Columba’s associate rectors, who wanted to start thinking about supplementing the parish library with online faith formation resources. In the intervening months, Peter and the adult formation committee at St. Columba’s have been hard at work discerning the kinds of resources that might be helpful for members of the church, and the ways those resource might best be accessed.
On September 7, in prime “adult forum” real estate at the beginning of the program year, Peter gathered the parish to dedicate Spirit Link.
If you’re a regular reader of CMT publications, you’ve been hearing more and more about church leaders curating faith resources on custom sites, pages, or social networking groups. What we haven’t talked much about is how to launch such an initiative with maximum excitement and momentum.
That’s why I’m particularly grateful for Peter’s invitation to be present at Spirit Link’s maiden voyage. Here are a couple of observations and appreciations from my experience:
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At the beginning of a campaign process I often hear, “If we could just raise this amount of money, we could get to doing real ministry. Imagine the transformation!”
During the capital campaign or special appeal, volunteers often reshape their image of fundraising and discover that transformation is in the process itself---and not something made possible only at the end of their campaign.
An example of this was offered from a former colleague’s work with a mid-western cathedral. She worked with a parishioner who played a pivotal role in the planning and execution of the congregation’s appeal designed to include both a special appeal for the diocese and to bolster their current annual giving.
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“I didn’t see you when I came in last week,” I said to my postmaster the other day. “Did you get some time off?”
“No,” she said with a weary look on her face, “I was doing some regional work.” She looked so worn down I asked her what was wrong. She went to tell me that they’ve added two more small local post offices to her oversight, bringing a total of four offices she now manages.
Ever since I moved to southern Maryland – a place where a lot of folks, including me, need a post office box mailing address – I’ve thought a lot about the demands on my postmaster’s time. Her job looks straightforward and might even sound appealing to some people, but I have no earthly idea how she balances everything: hospitality, small-town chit-chat, putting mail in P.O. boxes, overseeing delivery routes, maintaining supplies, handling transactions, taking care of people’s more complicated shipments, and raising and lowering the flag every day! And now due to cutbacks, she’s also handling the staffing and the back-office business work for three other local post offices. You might think she’s pretty close to maximum burnout, although you wouldn’t know that, as she is incredibly pleasant and professional.
Some years ago, I often used the post office as a case-in-point when the Episcopal congregations in St. Mary’s County and southern Maryland started to discuss greater institutional collaboration more seriously. I often observed that similar issues confront both the institutional church and the post office, both financial and generational.
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The bride stood just a few feet away from where she sits on Sunday mornings.
Two years ago, she cold-called the church, looking for a place to get married. The priest encouraged her to come on Sunday morning. Check out the church. See if it’s a place that you’d like to worship.
She came to church the next Sunday and met a few folks. The music director happened to make an announcement, inviting people to join the choir. The young woman decided to try it, and she attended rehearsal the next week. Over the next two years, she found her place in the congregation, making friends in the choir. When she announced the wedding date, they took up a collection for a present.
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On Sunday, I spent an hour walking around Prospect Park in Brooklyn listening to the new Serial podcast, from This American Life. It’s a gripping story about a murder that will be told over many episodes. As I walked around the park I was totally engrossed in the story, and I’m already looking forward to listening to the next episode.
This made me think about the power of storytelling, a topic I return to often and one I think churches should consider as well. After all, a well-told story draws people in; and we all know the Episcopal Church is working hard to do just that.
In my experience, many people come to church because of personal connections that they have or hope to forge. There was a time when we didn’t need to work very hard to convince people that they should come to church, but that time is long past. Now, we need to be intentional about showing people, through our lives and our storytelling, who we are, why we go to church, and why church matters to us.
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Note: This blog post is also available in English here.
Diez mujeres episcopales de origen afro-caribeño van y vienen a través del salón comunitario de la iglesia de sus ancestros.
Hoy se muestran más sonrientes que nunca. Sus rostros de maestras jubiladas le comunican su alegría y regocijo espiritual a la comunidad reunida para la hora del café. Esta congregación lleva varios años deseando, hablando y sobre todo orándole a Dios para que se dé el momento propicio en que puedan abrazar a la creciente comunidad latina que ahora vive a su alrededor y cuyos hijos e hijas reciben los cuidados de un programa de apoyo para después de sus clases escolares en los salones de esta iglesia. Esta comunidad no sale de su asombro. Atendiendo a la urgente necesidad de aprender inglés existente en muchas de las madres y los padres de estos niños y niñas, por fin, y en menos de dos meses todo ya está casi listo para darle comienzo a un programa piloto que ofrecerá clases de inglés a veinte madres latinas junto con un programa de actividades para sus hijos e hijas mientras que las madres están en clase.
Ustedes se preguntarán ¿cómo es que se ha logrado realizar este sueño?
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Nota - Este artículo es disponible en español aquí.
Ten Episcopal women of Afro-Caribbean descent are moving quickly back and forth in the community room of the church of their ancestors. Today they’re smiling more than ever. The glowing faces of these mostly retired teachers project a certain spiritual rejoicing.
For years this congregation has been wishing, talking, and above all praying to God for the moment when they could finally embrace not only the children, but also the mothers and fathers of the growing local Latino community—many of whose sons and daughters already attend an after school program at their church. In less than two months they have answered one of the community’s most urgent needs by launching a pilot program that will offer ESL classes to twenty Latino mothers while offering child care while they’re in class.
You may wonder how this dream became a reality.
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In the workplace, good leaders need to be effective at managing up—and managing down. The same is true in the congregation, although I’d like to call it managing out.
In an earlier blog, I talked about some techniques for managing up. Just as important is being able to manage out—to communicate clearly and effectively with other members of the congregation, people not on vestry or on not on your committee.
Even though the vestry is charged with certain decision-making responsibilities, it’s important that significant initiatives have buy-in from the larger congregation. One way is to invite collaboration and feedback. Considering making a change to the worship schedule? Ask folks what they think. Solicit suggestions. Let people know that some changes are being considered. For big decisions, hold a town hall meeting. And when people offer their suggestions, take notes and listen attentively. You might not agree and the decision may be different than what some people want, but a sense of truly being heard and respected will go a long way toward a smooth transition.
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Fall is a time of abundance, with evidence of nature’s generosity everywhere, particularly my native New England. Our gardens and trees are alive with vibrant red, orange, and yellow hues. Pumpkins, apples, and the other colorful fall fruits and vegetables compete for our attention at the farmers’ markets and in displays at people’s doors.
This month, we continue to share stories of the different ways Episcopal communities of faith are sharing their gifts: within their congregations, their communities, and, because of their willingness to write for Vestry Papers, with all of you. If you find the information in this issue useful, please consider two things: Sharing this issue with others and becoming a subscriber.
Our October stories include:
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For those of you keeping track, I haven't posted in a while. I have been away on sabbatical. Sabbatical is dedicated time to embrace that seventh day of creation – resting in God's presence – to return recharged and ready for whatever the Holy Spirit has in store next.
Over-functioner that I was, I decided I would have the a superlative sabbatical. I booked leadership conferences at Bexley-Seabury, academic coursework at two universities, a thesis-writing-boot-camp, three full vacations, and several speaking engagements. Those who saw my sabbatical schedule would joke, “Great, but when are you going to rest?” Maybe I thought I didn't need it.
Sabbatical went well enough at the beginning. I got to see my parents and help my mom downsize. Then I got word of some family tragedies and had to return for a funeral. During the one week that I had nothing else booked, I decided to remodel our guest bathroom as a surprise for my wife who was visiting her family. She was “surprised” to return to a half-destroyed bathroom and a very sick husband.
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I begin today with a confession: Sometimes, when I feel like my life is just too full, I skip church. About a decade ago, this is something I would have judged myself pretty harshly for. You go to church not because it’s easy and you feel like it, but because it’s an essential part of a life of faith. Now, I feel I was a little too rigid.
Occasionally, my life just feels too full. Work has been busy lately and I’ve been traveling. I’ve got several to-do lists and several writing and side projects, dozens of emails I haven’t responded to, and of course, I really need to get to the gym. I want to be a good steward of the limited amount of time I’ve got on this earth, but I’ve only got so much bandwidth. I know I'm not the only person who feels this way.
When I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, I often read articles about productivity (instead of actually checking things off my to-do list), and one of the articles I read recently was about information overload. Our brains have a limited capacity for decision-making. We're made to do one thing at a time. Now, we are given more choices than ever and more information than ever and that doesn’t necessarily make our lives easier. We’re meant to be uni-taskers, but we’ve forced ourselves to become multi-taskers.
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What do we know about Bible women? Research conclusion #1:
Bible women, especially those who speak, are surprisingly bold.
Traditionally, the view of Bible women has been they are subservient and passive—but that is like saying the earth is flat, or environmental disasters have nothing to do with climate change.
Shrinking violets they are not. Immoral or moral, most step up and say what they are thinking, what they need, or what they want. Most take fearless actions and accept daunting risks. Women in the Bible do not shuffle onto its pages; they stride across, with their heads held high and their hearts full of passion.
Example: Eve, right out of the box, does what God says not to do. Sarah, out of grief at her own infertility, sets Abraham up with Hagar so that a son of the covenant will be born. The Egyptian midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, risk their lives saving Hebrew babies. The woman of Bahurim hides two men in her well and then lies. Pharoah’s daughter saves Moses. The wise woman of Abel arranges to have a man beheaded to save her town. Even Job’s wife (“curse God and die!”) was fairly brazen.
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“Figure out why people give and give people more reasons to give and you will, in time, grow more generous givers.” That’s at least what I remember hearing, some years back, when I went along with my other fellow curates in the Diocese of Chicago to one of Kennon Callahan’s conferences.
Sounds simple, right? Sounds too simple, you may be thinking. Of course it does. In fact, it sounds way too easy and you’re right to think there’s a catch. I thought that, too, and that inherent prejudice might’ve come from my predisposition to simply avoid church growth guru’s and self-styled consultants. At the time I couldn’t understand why we were being asked to go to a golf resort in Georgia for a week (though I didn’t resist too strongly because, after all, it was February and that’s the best possible month to leave Chicago).
It was at this conference that I met Kennon Callahan, a man who simply stood up at the opening session and addressed us in his lovely and calm way, calling us “friends” as if he really meant it – as if, though we were not yet, we would be. He talked about his family and his wife and their vacations. He talked about the things that mattered to him and he opened his heart and his story in such simple and yet profoundly vulnerable ways. I also thought there was a catch and, I’ll be honest, I was getting a little bored with his simple talk about friends and trips and why he kept going back to the same sailboat rental place he’s been going to for the last twenty years.
I thought that until he got to the punch-line, which really was, for me, a healthy starter: people give of their time and resources for a number of reasons, he said, and people are very generous with the people whom they love and to the places for which they have affection and established relationships. And if your goal is to get more out of people, you’ve got to give more.
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